Chaplain's Corner

Not long ago, in a person’s life not far from your own, news was received that caused that person’s heart to break.  Each individual’s news may have been very different, but the impact of the news was predictably the same – a broken heart.  No I’m not talking about the marvelous contracting muscle in our chests that pumps our blood, but the emotional pain and suffering that often accompanies a significant loss.

The loss may have been the death of a deeply loved spouse, child or friend.  The loss may have been one of position, job, or community status.  The loss might have been a deeply help self-perception that is shattered by an abrupt confrontation with the truth.  But regardless of what is lost, the impact of the loss may be heart-breaking, leaving us not only in emotional pain, but physical pain.

Not long ago, in a person’s life not far from your own, news was received that caused that person’s heart to break.  What was our response?  Did we leave that person alone and in pain because their pain scared us, or made us feel incompetent to help?  Did we ignore the broken hearted because they were a “downer” and no fun to have around?  Did we attempt to reach out, but give up when the broken hearted person didn’t respond the way we wanted? 

We do those things, often abandoning the broken hearted in their pain.  And at this time of year, those who experienced a broken heart can have those feelings, that pain intensify, for everywhere around them it seems that people are happy, looking forward to joyful family celebrations and the brokenhearted soul stands in the midst of all the holiday craziness and whispers silently, “I just wish someone cared.”

So why we are so hesitant to care for the broken hearted?  What keeps us away from them, when we know they are hurting and could use someone who cares?  Well, I have already alluded to some of the attitudes that impede our moving towards those who are suffering broken hearts but let’s take a few minutes to look a bit more closely at our reasons and see how feeble they really are.

Reason #1 – we often distance ourselves from the broken hearted because their pain makes us feel uncomfortable.  The discomfort can take a number of forms.  I can feel uncomfortable caring for a person with a broken heart because I myself have recently had my heart broken and I am afraid that if I care for another with a broken heart that my own pain will come roaring back, downing me in my own sorrow and making me of no help to the other.  Or we may feel uncomfortable because we haven’t yet experienced a broken heart and we can see how devastated the other is, but simply can not relate, we just don’t understand, we wouldn’t know the first thing about how to be with such a person in a helpful way.

Reason #2 – we often distance ourselves from the broken hearted because we just don’t want anything to ruin the “high” we are in at the moment.  You know those “great times” are sometimes hard to come by and when we are in a time of personal “high” we may be afraid that caring for a broken hearted person will destroy our “high” and drag us down into the  low of the broken hearted.   Yes, we want to care (well, we kind of want to care) but we don’t want to care if it is going to mess up our enjoyment of our own life.  OK, that sounds pretty self-centered and it is but we might as well be honest.

Reason #3 – we often distance ourselves from the broken hearted because we just feel so incompetent to be of any help.  We certainly don’t want to make things worse and we feel that our bumbling attempts to care might actually deepen the others pain, instead of helping in even the smallest way.  So we see the pain the broken hearted on is in, we care but we are frozen from acting in anyway because we are quite certain that our efforts would be so pathetic, so unhelpful that the brokenhearted one is better off without our care.

Now, there are probably other reasons why people don’t care for the broken hearted, but I think these three are among the more common. However, not long ago, in a person’s life not far from your own, news was received that caused a person’s heart to break. The reasons, as understandable as them may be, still leave the brokenhearted person alone, in pain and without the touch of human compassion.  This reality can be even more acute at Christmas time.

Have you ever tried to sing “Joy to the Word, the Lord is come…” with a broken heart?  Or have you ever spent an evening at a shopping mall in December while suffering from a broken heart?  Or have you even attended a Christmas party while in pain from having your heart broken?  It’s tough, some broken hearted people pull it off, and many just make an excuse and hibernate, hoping that the season will pass quickly.

So what should we do if not long ago, in a person’s life not far from your own, news was received that caused that person’s heart to break.  We should move towards the broken hearted person.  That’s right, move towards them.  Don’t ignore your own feelings, but don’t let those feelings call the shots.  A mature person is aware of the feelings but chooses not to give the feelings control.

Admit your concerns to the broken hearted on.  Be up front about your reservations, admit that you may not know what to say or what to do, but affirm you care and reaching out.   In all honesty, when I have experienced a broken heart, I really didn’t know what another person could do to help me.  I had no real expectations as to what another might do or say.  But I didn’t want to be alone but at the same time I didn’t want to be pressured to “talk about it” or deal with it” and I didn’t particularly want someone else’s emotional response to my loss.

Extend a hand to the broken hearted, an invitation, offer to drop in and keeping extending the hand, even if the invitations are not accepted.  Now here is where we get crazy sometimes.  On one hand, some of us get offended if we extend a hand and the other doesn’t accept our offer.  When we get offended, chances are, we are not really thinking about the needs of the broken hearted person, we are thinking about ourselves.  I know that hurts, but it is true.  On the other hand, we get crazy and become a pest, almost “hounding” the broken hearted person, putting pressure on them to let us care.  But if we stop to think about it, that pressure is all about me again, not about my broken hearted friend.

Invite involvement.  Sometimes when a person experiences a broken heart, they get stalled and have a hard time getting started again.  They may have a hard time just doing the things they would normally do and caring may involve inviting the broken hearted person to join us in doing what they would normally do anyway.  It may be as simple as, “Hey, I’m going to get groceries tonight, do you want to come along and pick up the things you need?”  Or, “I’m heading out to the green house to get some bedding plants, do you want to come and pick up a few for your yard?”

Be patient.  When I  have had my heart broken,  I have needed others to be patient with me, to give me time, to leave doors open, invitations open, so that I could change my mind, or try and leave if things got too hard. 

Not long ago, in a person’s life not far from your own, news was received that caused a person’s heart to break.  How have you responded?