Chaplain's Corner

Imagine with me for a moment that your children came to you and suggested that you give up your independence and move into a Personal Care Home where your needs could be more adequately met? Your children are well intentioned, they have your best interest at heart, yet everything inside of you rises up and says, “NO!” It is not that you don’t know that you’re getting older, but your managing quite well.

As our parents age, we can often see the changes that take place. We become concerned that they may not be doing very well. Each time we visit, things seem messier, the food in the fridge is spoiled, Mom and Dad don’t smell very good but each time we try to say something we are met with anger.

Several things happen naturally as a person ages. There is a natural decline in a person’s abilities that is directly connected with aging. Because this process happens so slowly, the changes are not often considered all that dramatic. Older adults for the most part learn to adapt their lives to the slow, gradual declines that are a part of aging.

This process of adaption can be understood in many ways. One of the ways that I have found helpful is to understand that as we age we compensate for the declines we experience, most of the time quite successfully. So, a parent who may have bathed daily may begin bathing less and less frequently to deal with the increased difficulty that getting in and out of the bathtub presents. The difficulty that bathing presents is compensated for by bathing less often.

Another mechanism that naturally develops is that of rationalizing. Here’s the thought process: “Well, I’m not very active anymore, I don’t really need a bath every day, twice a week will do. After all, when I was a kid we only bathed once a week.”

Another mechanism that we often observe is that of “covering”. This often happens when one partner begins the decline before the other. The healthier partner will “cover” for the one struggling, instinctively seeking to preserve the dignity of the declining partner.

This compensating and rationalizing happens gradually, naturally and it makes perfect sense to an aging person or couple. All the while, from the outside, family members are noticing the changes and the changes seem radical, unnatural and frightening.

Then we must consider the fact that many times as we age, our senses decrease in acuity. We don’t see as well, we don’t hear as well, our sense of smell and taste often diminish. It is little wonder than that many older folks don’t wash their clothing as often, don’t bath as often or may even have spoiling food in the fridge and not even notice. I can remember once I was visiting with a retired pastor who was a member of my congregation. He insisted that I have a cookie and glass of juice before I left. As we sat at the kitchen table, he opened a tin of cookies and held it out to me. It was crawling with bugs. He didn’t see them and had probably been eating cookies from that tin for weeks, not knowing they had become infested.

But for the aging person, this all happens so slowly, as these changes take place they find ways of compensating for the changes. The compensations made all seem quite reasonable, given their perspective on things and in many cases, they are not even aware that anything is wrong.

Then enters compassionate daughter or protective son; appalled by the smells in Mom and Dad’s home, appalled by the spoiling food in the fridge, appalled by the soiled clothing they are wearing and their body odor, the decision is made to step in and help Mom and Dad. However, the “help” is resisted, Mom and Dad become angry and resistant, they feel insulted, and they resist all attempts to “take care of things”.

Why? Why would our aging parents resist our offers of help? Well, let’s think about that for a moment. Perhaps one reason is that many times the approach of the “compassionate daughter or protective son” is – well, I might as well put it straight: disrespectful. That’s right, often in our desire to help we are like bulldozers, pushing our way into the private lives of our aging parents assuming that we know what is best for them.

Now believe me, I know all about this from first hand experience. I have often been the “disrespectful helper” who rushes in to solve a problem that the person I’m “helping” doesn’t even see as a problem. When we do this, what we communicate is this: “You are weak, or stupid, or undisciplined or disorganized and you need my help whether you realize it or not.” Now, I can’t say that I have ever wanted to communicate a message like that, but my manner has communicated that many times. Hopefully I have learned (but learning does take time doesn’t it!)

Another reason that an aging parent might respond with anger to the help being offered is that insufficient care has been exercise to preserve the dignity of an aging parent. When we disregard the dignity of another we are disrespectful. However, we may not understand the disrespect unless we think for a moment about what dignity is. Dignity has to do with worth. Now in our multicultural, multi-religious country, worth may be assessed in various ways.

Sadly some people measure the worth of a person by their productivity. If a person is not productive, is not contributing to society, is not paying their own way, they are deemed worthless. Others assess worth based on the virtue of a person. Is a person wise, gracious, astute, intelligent? Such persons may be assigned worth. Or are you young, beautiful, desirable – in secular Canadian culture these qualities make you a person of worth.

The problem is with these measures of worth is that the elderly, the disabled, many who struggle with mental illness, don’t measure up and are thus considered, treated as if they are of little or no worth. I would like to suggest that dignity should be attached to only one thing, the fact that every human being bears in their person the fact that he or she was created in the image of God. When this is the standard that determines worth, then every person is viewed as having great worth and thus deserving of being treated with deep respect: dignity.

So let’s get back to helping our aging parents. If we really want to care for them, we will think first about how we can support and preserve their dignity. We will think about how we can communicate respect and honor. We will recognize that the more important issue is not that Mom doesn’t keep the house as clean as she once did, or that Dad isn’t quite as particular about his appearance as he once was, but that Mom and Dad’s dignity be protected and that any problem that you and I might perceive as needing addressed, is first and foremost about our treating our aging folks with the dignity that they posses.

Anything we do that doesn’t consider their dignity, will more than likely be met with anger and resistance. So, when we are compelled to “help” let’s us think first about the caring that the dignity of the one we want to help is preserved.