Chaplain's Corner

So many times the essence of spiritual care boils down to presence. In a culture that defines value by doing, by producing, by measurable outcomes, presence is undervalued. Early in my chaplaincy training I was in a training group which included a Roman Catholic priest. One afternoon, during one of our sessions he referred to “the sacrament of presence”. I had never heard of that sacrament, I was intrigued.

As the training progressed, more and more this business of presence rose to the surface as an important skill to develop in spiritual care. I’ll be honest, up until that time, I had never thought much about presence. I had not considered it’s importance, I had not considered it as a skill to be developed. I suppose I just assumed that when I was with someone, that I was “present”.

But, this was not really an assumption that can be made. I have since learned, by thinking about and reflecting on my own engagement when I am with people that it is possible to be physically “present” but not really be there at all in any meaningful way that touches the soul of the other.

We have all experienced being with another person and trying to carry on a conversation, but realizing that they weren’t listening to a word we said. This is because they were present physically, but not relationally. This kind of presence leaves us feeling ignored, dismissed and of little value to the other person. It seems as if something else is of far greater importance that we are. And our feelings are accurate.

There are a number of common reasons for our lack of presence in our relationships. One reason is simple disinterest. If you are not interested in the person you are with or not interested in the topic of discussion that is being engaged, it is easy just to “check out”. This is impolite at best and down right devastating to the other in the extremes. But many feel quite justified in simply checking out, anytime what is happening doesn’t hold their interest. Disinterest is a very selfish reason to check out of being present in a relationship.

A second reason may be trauma. A clinical manifestation of “checking out” is known as dissociation. Many times people who have experienced trauma and may suffer with post traumatic stress find that they check out without even trying. Sometimes those who suffer with from post traumatic stress will have a something that triggers a automatic reacting resulting in dissociation.

A third reason might be overload. Sometimes in our multi-tasking world, where people are expected to attend to many things at the same time, our poor brains just run short on capacity and one of the things that we are to be focused on, just loses out and although we may be present, we are not truly present.

Another reason may be disability. Folks with hearing problems will often check out simply because they can’t hear. So they are there, the conversation is happening all around them, maybe even involving them, but because they can not hear and are frustrated by not being able to attend to what is happening in the relationship, they simply check out: present, but not really present.

Undoubtedly there are other reasons why a person may not be truly present in the moment and able to attend to the conversation, the person, the feelings and thoughts of the other. But there are many, many times when we are just too self-absorbed to care.

So how can you and I work harder at caring better so that we can offer “the sacrament of presence” to the person we are with, so that we can be authentically “there” for the other person, instead of being absorbed in our own stuff and missing the opportunities to communicate care in one of the most powerful ways there is, by being fully present with the person we are with.

Well, one thing I have learned is that I need to being myself into every encounter. Now when I speak of myself, I mean I need to be there body, soul and spirit. So many times we are only partially “there” as we move through our days and encounter various people. Why not try to experiment with this and take one day, this next week and consciously work at being entirely present whenever you are with another person: turn off your cell phone or put it on vibrate and don’t answer it, be content to check the message after the personal encounter that you are in. I know, that sounds like heresy, but I dare you to try and then ask yourself the question:  How much more satisfying was that encounter?

Another way to think about this is be “at home” in the moment. When I am with patients I am often asked about the busyness of my job. The response I normally give is, “I am as busy as anyone else, but right now, you are the only person in this hospital that is important to me.” That is what I mean by being “at home” in the moment. Refuse to allow your mind to get ahead of your body and soul. Stay together, stay in the moment, stay with the person you are with. Whether it is your spouse at the breakfast table or your child after school or the neighbor overt he back fence.

So maybe the I-pod with the ear buds need to be turned off, or when you are having supper together the TV should be turned off or if your wife is talking to you turn off the game (hockey, football, baseball, soccer or whatever is being played on the TV). It is very easy to communicate “You matter so little that I can’t even listen to you while my game is on.” or “You matter so little to me that whoever is texting me right now is more important to me.” or “You matter so little to me that getting to level 17 in the video game that I am playing is more important than giving my attention to you.”

When we are not “at home” in the moment when we are with another person your absence communicates tot hem that you do not value them, that you do not believe they are important enough to stop and be there for them. If that is what you want to communicate – then don’t change a thing. But if you don’t want to treat people like they are of no importance to you, think about being “at homer” with everyone you interact with.

Perhaps the last thing I would suggest is that we listen with our eyes and your ears when we are with another person. Listen with eyes – watch their facial expressions, watch the body language. Communication experts tells us that only 10% of communication is the words themselves, 90 % is what we can see, gestures, expressions, tone, inflection, mood, all those things that you don’t have if the message is printed on a piece of paper and you merely read it. Listen without giving a thought to how you will respond, listen with your defenses down, listen for one reason: you want to know what this person in front of you is thinking and feeling and trying to communicate.

Maybe presence is sacramental in nature. I certainly is a gift (grace) we give others and in many ways when we are present for another we offer to the other what can truly be called a ministry. Try practicing the sacrament of presence – if after doing this you have a story to share, I’d love to hear it. You can email me at lhirst@sehealth.mb.ca. Be present, truly present – offer this precious gift and you will be surprised the impact it will have.