Chaplain's Corner

“You will never guess what I heard…” or “Can you keep a secret…” are two of the ways gossip often begins. We have all been the object of gossip and if we are honest with ourselves we have all been perpetrators of gossip. Recently a rumor about me has found traction again. I heard it first a couple of years ago when someone with backbone simply came to me and asked, “Larry, I was just told that you and your wife are separated. Is that true?” I assured the asker that it wasn’t at all true but the rumor is back again. Just last month I was told on three occasions that the rumor was being circulated and the person who is spreading it was even named. Again, it is not at all true. Rumors live a long life; I expect that this one will outlive my tenure as the chaplain at Bethesda Hospital and Place.

This isn’t the first time that I have been the object of rumor. Back in 1979, one year into my first pastorate, I lived in the small town of Strasbourg, Saskatchewan where my wife, son and I had immigrated from the United States to serve a small congregation. I was told by a member of another church in town that a rumor was circulating around town that the Baptist pastor was an alcoholic. Again it wasn’t true. The closest to consuming alcohol that I have ever come is the occasional swig of NyQuil when I have a bad cold. The vast majority of time I just ignore gossip and rumor for it seems that when you dignify gossip with a rebuttal it grows.

I mention this gossip not to defend myself against it, but because it may be instructive for us to consider just how easy it is to get caught up in a rumor. Spreading gossip is a bit of an adrenalin rush. Knowing something that is “secret” and passing on the “secret” has an element of excitement to it. We feel just a little bit more powerful when we have a juicy tidbit to share with others; it makes us feel as if we are “in the know”.

In my work confidentiality is legislated by the Provincial government. For the most part those who work in health care are very contentious to guard the personal health information of those we serve. This is challenged in small communities where there are so many intricate connections. One of the reasons I don’t live in Steinbach is that I enjoy going home, out shopping, to one of my grandchildren’s football or soccer games with no worry about someone stopping me and asking, “Hey, could you tell me how Mrs. Dyck is doing? I heard she had a heart attack and is on the first floor at Bethesda – you work on that floor don’t you?”

Sometimes that same contentiousness is not observed when talking about each other. I’ll admit, sometimes it is very hard to discern the boundaries around normal collegial concern and gossip. Sometimes depending on our sensitivities, we may not feel as if what we share is gossip at all, but as that sharing makes its way through the social networks of a workplace, what we may have started takes on a life of it’s own. This devolution of a comment of concern or a question often ends up as nothing less than a full blown rumor that grew a little at a time as it was discussed by your fellow workers. In the end our simple comment becomes a monster that damages reputations, morale and the sense of confidence in one another that is so vital to teamwork. We have to be so careful.

In health care settings where patients spend significant time: personal care homes, rehabilitation units and the like those who work in these environments need to be careful that we don’t inadvertently provide kindling for gossip. Often as staff members go about their work they talk about issues they are dealing with in relation to those they care for. Often, especially in settings were people are cared for over many weeks, months or years; the residents or patients overhear a bit of this conversation and a bit of that conversation. Add to this a propensity for gossip, or a touch of dementia and that little piece of information over heard by a resident or patient can be woven into an elaborate tale that gets told to family members and other visitors and so on and so on and so on.

Up to now I have been pondering the gossip that gets started and spread with little or no malice. The intent isn’t to hurt, in fact often the intent is caring for the one whose life is being shared. However, I have come to learn that good intentions can not prevent bad outcomes when our actions are not careful (sometimes even when we are very careful).

I became acutely aware of this when I was doing my training at the Riverview Health Centre. There were 5 of us in the Chaplain Residency program that year. We all had our clinical assignments. One of my colleagues was assigned to the Palliative Care Unit at Riverview. One afternoon as we were having what we called IPR, a group learning session in which we talked about our experiences in providing spiritual care on our respective units, one of our number shared a troubling experience. While caring for a patient, this chaplain resident was approached by a person identifying themselves as a member of the family. With out questioning the person she discovered that the party was an estranged partner that the patient did not wanted involved at all in her dying process. This was a good learning opportunity for all of us. Chaplains have an almost incurable urge to help; it is part of what propels us into this kind of work. But we need to be ever so careful to understand who and what the patient wants communicated or we can with the best of motives share information to people who should not receive it. Now this wasn’t a case of “gossip” but it illustrates the ease at which we can share information with the best intentions but in so doing harm others.

Others gossip because they have every intention of maliciously hurting the reputation, feelings, and well being of the one they are talking about. I hope you haven’t been guilty of this kind of gossip, but I am sure each of us has witnessed, heard, been the object of or had some other scrape with this. The rumor that circulated in the first community I served as a pastor could have had no other reason to get started. I had never purchased liquor or beer in any establishment in the United States or Canada. I had never entered the local pub or any pub in all of Saskatchewan. I had been questioned as to my lifestyle habits in the interview that preceded my call to the church and I truthful communicated that I had never been given to drinking alcohol of any kind. I hadn’t even been present at a dinner where others had wine with their meal. I had given no “appearance” surrounding alcohol in which someone could have drawn the wrong conclusion. But the rumor persisted. Someone wanted to hurt my reputation in the community. I never tried to find out who and never did. I chose to leave the matter in God’s most capable hands.

Special care needs to be taken by all of us that when we share information about another’s life. First, we need to be absolutely sure that what we want to say is true. But even if we know that what we want to say is true, it may not be appropriate to say it. The second consideration we need to make is do I have the person‘s permission to share details about his/her personal life? If we don’t have permission we shouldn’t. The third consideration we might make is whether or not sharing the information would build others up or be destructive to others.

Gossip, rumors – we have all been the butt of them and it is my guess we have all been party to spreading them, inadvertently or maliciously – let’s all be more careful.