Chaplain's Corner

“But Mom isn’t Mom anymore.” These were the words of a daughter who sat by her Mom’s side, holding her hand and struggling with the fact that dementia had changed her Mom so profoundly. Those of you who have had a spouse, a sibling, a parent or grandparent who developed dementia of one sort or another will understand what these words were expressing.

This lament, “My Mom isn’t Mom anymore” certainly expresses the sense of loss that many experience as those we love slip into the fog of dementia. At times this lack of recognition even extends to the person’s self. From time to time mirrors are covered in the rooms of people with dementia because the person, not recognizing their own image in the mirror, comes to believe that a stranger is starring at them through the “window”.

This lament and the reality it speaks to calls us to think about identity and personhood. This will be strictly a laymen’s musings for I am not trained or gifted in the understanding of the “psyche”. Does, “who I am” change as time passes? Does my identity, my “self” change under the pressures of aging, disease, stress and other environmental factors?

Am I the same person as I was when I was 2 years old or when I become 89. I think that in the core of our being there is a consistency of identity that remains the same throughout the years and ravages of live, but that the changes, stresses, joys and traumas of life alter how it is that we relate that “self” to the world around us.

Take for instance my “self”. At the core of my being I am a rather fearful, ready to please others because I am very uncomfortable with their displeasure. As long as I have any conscious memory, I have navigated my world seeking to protect myself from the unpleasant responses of the “others” in my world. The displeasure of others towards me results in feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, and inferiority – altogether feelings I do not like.

So powerful is this sense of “self” that as a teenager I stayed on the straight and narrow because the displeasure of my parents was far more uncomfortable than the displeasure of my peers. Now over the years I have grown, read many books on the subject, sat through a hundred or more therapy sessions which often reflected on this part of “me”. I have learned that God’s love that I have received through Jesus does not change based on my performance. I have learned not to give this part of “me” control at times and have often chosen to do the “right thing” even knowing that those I was in relationship with would be displeased. I even resigned from two previous positions, one after 3 years and the other after 19 years, knowing in my heart that the decision was the right one, but also knowing that the decision would not please many people.

Yet, in that deepest part of me, my “self” likes to please others and likes to avoid the negative emotions that I feel when I don’t please others. I fully expect, should I develop dementia in the future, that I will fear the displeasure of others and want to please them. I am “me” even if swallowed up by dementing disease that makes me incapable of even recognizing myself.

Mom is still Mom. She may no longer function as she once did, but what she did and who she is are quite different things. As you related to those with dementia think about the essence of that persons being and look for that, that person’s self will be there, even if she no longer recognizing you of herself. As dementing disease drags us back towards total dependency, it cannot steal who we are. Please remember that.