Raising Kids With Character

The Pursuit of Pleasure

  • Thom Van Dycke, Author
  • Speaker, coach, writer

It is Plato who said, “The aim of education is to teach children to have victory over pleasure.” Is that true? G. K. Chesterton wrote that, “Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain. Meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure.”

These days it seems like pleasure is one of the world’s loftiest pursuits. Nobility, chivalry and self-sacrifice are found in the fairy tales and appear to us as nothing more than Disney-dreams. And even when we come across those remarkable real life characters such as Louis Zamperini from Meredith Hildebrand’s fabulous book, Unbroken, (now a movie), they seem so noble as to be virtually unattainable. But is that true?

Here are some of my thoughts about pleasure.

First of all pleasure in itself isn’t bad. To enjoy life and have a comfortable standard of living isn’t a poor goal at all. However true pleasure is an effect not a cause. When people pursue pleasure because they think there is fulfillment in it, they will find themselves sorely disappointed because pleasure for pleasure sake is empty. If however pleasure is seen as a reward, the effect of a life well-lived, a by-product of overcoming a challenge, then pleasure is very rich.

Second our definition of pleasure is mistaken. I would say that the pleasure that is most often pursued is more akin to hedonism than actual fulfilling joy. Hedonism is the value that the highest goal in life is self-indulgent pleasure. One might protest saying that the pursuit of pleasure is hedonistic going too far to the extreme. Well perhaps but I suspect that one of the reasons people don’t like the word hedonism is not because of the definition of the word, but because the definition applies to them!

But true pleasure is not self-indulgent; in fact pleasure is defined as happy satisfaction or enjoyment. Is that really what we see today? Not at all. If it was then people would stop the relentless pursuit of money, status, friends and fame. When you are satisfied it means enough is enough, you’re done for now, you can take in the moment. It is the opposite of the frenetic bottomless pit of materialism.

What does this mean for our kids? Well, what kind of a parent would wish a meaningless existence for their children? You know, one devoid of purpose and direction. No sane, half-decent parent would want that. But where does that leave us? On the outside chance that Chesterton is right, we had better evaluate what we model for our children. Do we live with a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, enjoying life whether it’s at home, in the garden, at work or at play? Or do we live for the next vacation, the next car, the next grown-up toy? The question is actually a little more condemning than we would like. But the great news is that it is never too late to alter the course by a few degrees and come back on course. I have one or two small suggestions on how to help your kids with this.

First, teach, demonstrate and enforce the value of delayed gratification. Do not, I repeat, do NOT give in to all the desires of your kids’ hearts. It is good for them to work so they can afford to buy their own toys. My son was 6 or 7 when he saved up enough money to buy his first iPod. There wasn’t a hope in hades I was going to buy a kid that young a device like that, but what could I say when he came and presented us with the birthday money, loose change and bits of allowance he had managed to save? He had put off many other lesser toys to save for the big one. It was good, I had to concede and gave in. (And then we severely limited his screen time.) The credit card companies will not appreciate this type of education, but pleasure will actually increase for our families because the value of “stuff” goes up when we wait for it.

Second, find ways to interact with those who are less fortunate than your family. There are very few social strata that are actually at the rock bottom of the heap, it is usually possible to find someone who could use a hand in some way. When we help others, whether it’s raking leaves for the elderly or serving food to those who are homeless, we gain perspective on our own situation in life, and let me tell you, this is good for our kids! Proper perspective always helps counter the lie of the pleasure.

Parents, we need to take the lead and model this for our kids. We need them to see satisfied, joyful and hopeful adults who don’t need every toy and a trip every year to be fulfilled.

Thom Van Dycke has worked with children and youth since 2001 and is a passionate advocate for healthy foster care. Together with his wife, since 2011, they have welcomed 30 foster children into their home. In 2017, Thom Van Dycke was trained as a Trust-Based Relational Intervention Practitioner.