Raising Kids With Character

Yes, yes, we all know that parenting is hard. Let’s just move on from the clichés and start talking about solutions. This year, more than any other, I have had to persevere as a dad. It’s like those wars and rumours of wars that I had read about suddenly had apocalyptic implications for our family. I’m not going to get into the specifics of it (although I will say that my wise adolescent theories are being challenged at the moment) but I will say this, it’s really not about the kids anyway.

Let’s be honest, if you got married with the intention of pursuing personal happiness then you have probably figured out by now that that didn’t work. And if you thought that having kids was going to bring back the fantasy of first love… HA! Actually… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh the thought…

Many people get married with some pretty big false presumptions and even more unrealistic presumptions when they have kids. I remember when our first child was born thinking thoughts that shocked me. I assumed I would just naturally be an awesome dad! It is astonishing what a crying kid at 3am and nothing but farmer-vision to watch can do to guy. The interesting thing looking back is that somehow I had the capacity not to do something rash in my exhaustion. I did have some foundation to work with. What about those who don’t? What will make the difference?

Let me offer some advice that I am learning as I grow the skill of perseverance.

1. If you are going to grow in perseverance you are going to have to remember that this whole parenting thing is actually about how you turn out and less about how your kids turn out. I’m not making you the centre of the world or anything, but rather suggesting that parenting can actually do something in you! Think of your kids like a black light in a hotel room, they have a tendency to light up all the gross things in your life that you thought no one could see. Let me ask you something; if no one could see them, could you? We have blind spots! And guess what? By definition a blind spot is something you can’t see! So how is the fact that your kids bring out the worst in you good news? Well you can’t clean a spot you can’t see. Now you can see it. Because your kids just showed it to you.

2. Next it is really important to remember that we can’t be there and protect our kids from every little bump, scrape, scrap and school yard tiff. Parenting is about preparing our kids to be responsible for their own lives. But this is hard isn’t it? How can you let go? The world is big and scary. I remember the first time we dropped off our son at summer camp. He was six. SIX! I’m still not entirely sure what we were thinking. I mean I know what I was thinking as I drove away, but what possessed us to trust our six year old to young adult counsellors. Well that summer he came home with a rash. A rash because he didn’t use any soap all week. A rash is a small price to pay for the growth we saw in him. Weigh the risks of course, don’t be foolish with your kids, but truthfully, we need to find small, safe ways to let go – or we will never learn to persevere.

3. Finally breathe. You’re human, I’m human. You’re broken, I’m broken. Perseverance isn’t about getting things all right all the time, perseverance is a process just like everything else. BUT when you take a breath, that little break between naps, diarrhea, Band-Aids, confusing homework, nourishing your kids on KD, yelling at the dog (we don’t care so much about his character) and waiting for bedtime, remember what you used to be like and marvel at how far you have come. I suspect perseverance is as much about looking back as it is getting through the present. There is hope.

Parents, we need to persevere. It seems like so many people give us these days and there’s simply too much on the line to be quitters when it comes to our kids!