Raising Kids With Character

Our culture is kid-crazy. I remember wonder what on earth was happening to our families a few years ago when Christmas cards started excluding parents. Have you ever looked at your kids’ toy-bin or bedroom and wondered just how much of this stuff is actually necessary for a happy childhood? We justify our long work hours out of the home by convincing ourselves that providing for our kids is the best thing we can do. Meanwhile our kids don’t have a present parent and our spouse is increasingly alienated. And then when we DO realize we have neglected our spouse we ship the kids off for a week and go blow the wad in Mexico hoping a week away will save our marriage. Look, this isn’t a balanced life at all, and, I suspect, it won’t result in a strong family.

Here is the great news: Your kids don’t need more toys, or money, or friends, or entertainment, they need parents who are desperately in love with each other! Did you know that the greatest gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage? If you don’t believe me do a little Google search for “the consequences of divorce on children.” You’ll believe me then.

Now does this mean that if you have had a divorce that your children are just hooped? Destined to a life of brutal statistics? No of course! But you may have more work to do as a single parent to raise emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy kids than if your marriage had made survived. I have no desire to place guilt on single parents because I know that in many cases it was actually a relief to the kids when the fighting, or heaven forbid, the abuse stopped. But I’m not exactly writing for single parents today (maybe I will in the future), today I’m writing to you parents who are married but not caring tenderly for your marriage!

So what does it take to have a healthy marriage? I think it can be boiled down to one single element; time. You simply cannot have an effective marriage without time! That means time without the TV. Time without noise. Time with each other, not just in the same room. And get this… time without the kids. (Kids need time too, but that, again, is for another day!) I had a friend who told me that each night after dinner, he and his wife would have “mommy and daddy time” for 20 minutes where they would catch up on their day. They would have this time right in the living room in sight of the kids, who were not allowed to interrupt. This action communicated a valuable truth to his kids about the value that he placed on their mother; I think it was a brilliant idea.

How much time is right? I recommend you get away for a night or two alone every 6 months or so. That you do a bigger date every four months or so and that you go for coffee dates as often as possible – weekly is best. If this isn’t a part of your life, I suggest that you schedule 10 hours a week of alone time with your spouse. TEN HOURS! If that is terrifying it is probably because your communication skills have slipped a bit over the years (this happens to the best of us in foreign territory… which is what parenting is.) You have spoken goo-goo-ga-ga, or communicated at a shouting level for so many years that you forget how to have a grown-up conversation. (If you need some topics to get your started ask each other what their favourite date was when you were dating, or what dreams were put on hold when the kids were born, or how disciplining the kids is or isn’t working, or how you actually feel about your mother-in-law… just kidding.)

Look, I understand! Tara and I have had to significantly adjust our schedule as we jumped back into the toddler stage when our foster boys joined our family last spring. They arrived just as we were planning a two-night getaway to Winnipeg for our anniversary and since then we have gotten away for one night and sacrificed many date nights because getting a baby-sitter is just a lot more complicated now. But this is not ideal! And I am spending a lot of time trying to figure out how we can get back into the dating routine because I know that our kids are better off when their parents are doing well… and doing well doesn’t happen accidentally.

Marriage is not intended to be “kid-centric” it is intended to create intimacy between a man and a woman, the [happy] by-product of which is children. I hope that if you are married that your marriage is or becomes your priority, and that if things are a struggle right now that you would reach out for help. There are many wonderful counsellors in our city, and many pastors who have counselled hundreds of couples. If you aren’t connected but need someone to talk to about your marriage, or kids for that matter, don’t hesitate to contact me via email or Facebook!