Raising Kids With Character

The Ability to Wonder

In 1965 the Catholic philosopher, Dietrich von Hildebrand, wrote a book called The Art of Living which outlined seven “cardinal virtues” that are necessary to live a grounded life. In 1994 his wife, Alice von Hildebrand, added an eighth chapter bringing the total of cardinal virtues up to eight.

These virtues, although presented in a spiritual way, are good virtues regardless of any particular worldview, and should our kids learn them, will guide our children through life with confidence in a world in which assured security seems to be less and less probable. These are short summaries of the von Hildebrand’s wonderful chapters and don’t do them intellectual justice, however if applied, I know will change the lives of you and your children.

Virtue number 1: the ability to wonder

When our first son was about four or five years old I took him out onto the deck of our home. We were lucky that, although we lived in town, there were few street lights and the light pollution didn’t obscure the stunning night sky. I showed him some different constellations and we could even see the smoky haze of the Milky Way. We hadn’t been outside very long when Malachi suddenly gripped me harder around the neck and said, “Daddy, can we go inside now? I’m afraid.”

Do you remember the first time you felt small compared to the stars? It can be overwhelming. I wonder how astronomers can sit in front of their telescopes gazing into the ever expanding universe and stay in their right mind!

We have overused and lost the real mean of words like awesome, or even wonderful and terrible. They are words that perhaps an ancient spirit to fully apprehend. If you think about it, the line between wonder and terror is often just a razor’s edge and I suspect the ancients walked that razor’s edge with greater appreciation for it than we do in our stale modernity.

John Locke, the philosopher and physician of the 17th century wrote, “We cannot fathom the mystery of a single flower. Nor is it intended that we should.” You may not think that inner confidence or security is connected to the ability to wonder, but you would be mistaken. The ability to wonder is actually a foundational ability if we are going to raise secure children because wonderment is the ability to think deeply and introspectively. A dictionary would define wonder something like this “a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.” But I would add that it is also the desire to be curious or a sense of amazement.

But wonder is even richer than that, wonder is reverence towards reality! Reverence simply means “a deep respect for something” consequently that means that wonder is a deep respect for the world. It is a deep appreciation of the way things are and the ability to think deeply and properly about them.

Oddly enough the ability to think about reality – or the ways things are – requires a healthy imagination! You might think of the imagination is the furnace room of wonder. It may seem contradictory that the imagination which is, well imaginary, should be the furnace of something reverent of reality, but it isn’t, because although wonder has a deep respect for reality, it can (and must) see past what is in front of us and conceive of something even greater. In other words, wonder helps us to enjoy the world around us but also gives us hope when reality is grim. Therefore, if you lose your ability to imagine, it will be difficult to wonder.

This is why excessive media usage, particular visual media, harms our ability to wonder. When we read a book we are able to exercise our imaginations as we imagine the scenes that come to us in mere words, but when we watch movies or play videos games, the medium tells us what to imagine. Someone with a healthy imagination will love to create those mental images as opposed to merely receiving them.

Media typically isn’t reverent towards reality. It doesn’t represent the way things are and gives us false hope which can lead to some weird phenomena. It would seem rather obvious that with young minds in particular the imagination might be vulnerable, but the danger isn’t limited to the young. In 2010 CNN ran a news story describing what they called “Avatar blues.” If you remember, Avatar was a special effects phenome of a movie, depicting a world that was so incredible, rich and filled with life that when movie-goers left the theatre and re-entered the grey cold “real” world they were actually discouraged and felt “blue.” (Reference: cnn.com)

How is that even possible? How is it that our minds can be fed such un-reality that we can’t handle life as it is anymore? I think, at least partially, the secret lies in the fact that we have lost our ability to hope in a healthy way. There are unhealthy ways to hope! A child might hope his parents don’t divorce, but eventually he will have to come to terms with the brokenness of his family. A wife might hope her husband beats cancer, but as powerful as hope can be, it will not keep people alive indefinitely. And as you can imagine, it is my belief that healthy hope requires a healthy imagination that can dream of better possibilities than what we currently face but something not so fantastical that it is impossibly separated from reality.

This is why the Christian belief in heaven is so profound. In no way does it diminish the pain of life, but it lightens the heart towards a happy shore. There is a future reality more real than the life we currently live.

So you can see, wonder and hope are both linked via a healthy imagination! Wonder is hopeful. Hope is wonderful. Both are impossible if the imagination is damaged.

But here is the problem; the imagination has never been under such duress to find healthy hope! Our kids go from the war ground of the playground where it is bully or be bullied, to catching glimpses of the evening news, to escaping their harsh reality by either exaggerating their self-worth in the virtual friendship of social media or by entering into the world of fantastical violence! Covering violence towards our heart with violence in a game will never solve the ache in our children’s hearts.

If we are going to have healthy children, we are going to need to help them develop and restore their lost sense of wonder. But the challenge goes even deeper! Children are already naturally filled with a greater sense of wonder than adults, so when a child’s ability to wonder has been eroded, just where exactly do they go? The adults who should have the answers, in this case, simply don’t. This is why if you want to truly help your kids you will need to first help yourself. So how can you rediscover child-like wonder?

It will be different for everyone but if you want to get into wonder rehab here are some suggestions:

1. Take a break from media. What is true for your kids is true for you, overuse of media erodes our ability to wonder. Replace that time with a good book, a biography or even work of fiction. Challenge your mind with something thought provoking or just light and lively, it doesn’t matter, but read. Let your mind rest from the relentless images of the world.
2. Use your right-hemisphere. The right side of your brain is where much of your creativity comes from, whereas your left hemisphere is logical, full of logic and reasoning. Both sides are important but when it comes to wonder the non-verbal, colour and sound of the right side is pretty sensational. To engage that part of your brain, you need to do art, even just going and looking at art and trying to engage with what the artist was thinking will help you to wonder.
3. Ask yourself this question: When is the last time I was truly awestruck? What was it about that experience that was so profound and how can you work to recreate it?

Then think up ways to bring your kids along with you! Go to cultural events together – even if you have to leave early so they make it to bed on time! Make art together. Sit around a fire together. Write stories together.

Wonder is a virtue and the mother of all other virtues. If you can’t wonder, you won’t be able to imagine the necessary steps to acquire the other virtues that our children so desperately need if they are going to stand confident in an unsure world.