Raising Kids With Character

The Ability Recognize and Attain Healthy Relationships

In 1965 the Catholic philosopher, Dietrich von Hildebrand, wrote a book called The Art of Living which outlined seven cardinal virtues necessary to living a grounded life. In 1994 his wife, Alice von Hildebrand, added an eighth chapter bringing the total of cardinal virtues up to eight.

These virtues, although presented in a spiritual way, are good virtues that can guide our children through life with confidence in a world in which assured security seems to be less and less probable. These short summaries of the von Hildebrand’s wonderful chapters don’t do them intellectual justice, however if applied, I know will change the lives of you and your children.

Virtue number 4: The ability to recognize and attain healthy relationships

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time. ~ Solomon (Proverbs 17:17)

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook. ~ Anonymous

This virtue is really summed up in the word community. Community is a virtue that, when healthy, will give our kids a tremendous sense of inner security. As social creatures, the need for community is a universal need. Unfortunately, just like the need for water can drive someone to drink polluted water, our genuine need for relationship with other human beings can drive us to polluted or counterfeit sources of community.

Just think for a moment about all the things that are going on in a kid’s life; pressure to succeed at school, developing friendships, peer pressure (good and bad), being bullied, doing the bullying or standing up for the bullied, trying out for sports teams, etc. Think of the complexity that these pressures bring to a child’s life. Think of all the things that could go wrong and how that might affect their inner being. Life is complex for kids!

Now for a moment, think about kids who are the most at risk; kids from hard places, from broken homes, from abusive homes. Imagine we’d take a group of fifty of these kids who made it through, who succeeded and became good, decent citizens, what do you think made the difference? I would venture a guess that at the root of every success sits a person who loved on this child. This is very significant!

I often ask the volunteers in my ministry to think of difficult times in their lives and then to ask themselves what made the difference that changed the course of their lives. Was it a Bible study? Was it a novel or a movie? Was it learning or being on a team or having a part time job? No of course not! In 99% of all cases it was the adult who lead the Bible study, the teacher who helped them learn, the coach or captain of the team, or the boss or co-worker, who made the difference! People are made for people.

And community is available for all, good and bad. Think of gangs for example. There is a reason that gangs have the kind of attraction that they do (and much research has been done to that effect.) A gang provides belonging, purpose, and a perceived “pack” safety; something our kids need. The Church on the other hand, when it functions as it is meant to, also provides community and recognizes the human heart’s need for spiritual community as well.

The same is true for families.

When a family is functioning as it should, our children will experience the kind of belonging, purpose, and true security; it will even fulfill a certain spiritual requirement in the human heart. But as important as providing belonging, purpose, and security for a child, a family is meant to be a training ground to recognize legitimate sources of community outside of the home.

This modelling and training starts young, however it isn’t until later that the evidence begins to appear as to whether the value of community or the ability to recognize and attain healthy relationships reveals itself.

The list is long of indicators that things are going well or tanking in your child’s community. Here is a sampling of things I would take note of as the parent of pre-teens and young teenagers:

• Do they understand that they can stand up to peer pressure? Notice I don’t expect that they will always be able to stand against their peers but do they have strategies to use if they chose to? As they grow older are they increasingly the influencers or the influenced?
• Do they have a good group of friends that is defined by either proximity or affinity? Speaking in gross generalizations, guys tend to develop friendships with other guys who share an interest or affinity. So you have the volleyball guys, the chess club guys, or the paintballing guys for example. Does your son have a group of friends like this or is he a lone wolf? Lone wolves are increasing in our culture as true community is replaced with virtual community. That’s dangerous in my opinion so help your child find his affinity group.
• Girls on the other hand typically build relationships built on proximity. This is often actual physical proximity (they need to see each other to be best friends), but it could also be a cousin who lives across the country with whom they share emotional proximity. Does your daughter have close friends? Someone she laughs and cries with? She will need that!
• Does your growing teen understand that he or she doesn’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to have value? Again, kids like each other and that is good and natural and your household rules won’t make a lick of difference against biology! However, the pressure to have a girlfriend or boyfriend is ridiculous. It is possible to like someone and not have to get into a more serious relationship. That, I believe, is a sign your child is growing in maturity and inner-security. And, if they do get into a dating relationship (however that is defined) do they understand how to communicate and establish and maintain healthy physical and emotional boundaries? If they are secure, they will be able to not only talk about boundaries but maintain them.

You might be thinking, “Oh no! I have failed my child!” Well of course you have. We have all failed our children to varying degrees, but it is never too late for any family or any child to make up for lost ground, there is always hope! That said, the fact remains it is better to start young when it comes to modelling any virtue for your children. So take a moment to reflect on your ability as an adult to recognize and attain healthy relationships. Do you have close friends? Do you have close friends you can go to when life is hard? Is your marriage strong? If not, why not? What steps can you take today to strengthen the relationships in your life? As you work on developing the virtue of community in your own life, it will invariably transfer to your children (they are watching, always watching!)