Chaplain's Corner

Human connections: family ties, friendships, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances: we are all connected. In the sixties this connection was called “the brotherhood of man” but of course now-a-days that is not an appropriate description as it is sexist. But these connections are natural and vital and can tell us a lot about who we are, what kind of personality we have, even about past experiences with other people.

The fact that we are connected and the way in which we perceive these connection is a spiritual matter. Spiritual health can be assessed in part by examining the connections people have in their lives. I care for a person who has developed a fear of connection. This person connects ineffectively or not at all. Troubled, suspicious, fearful – partly due to some mental health problems and partly due to some spiritual health problems – she is just one of millions who struggle to connect and suffers because of the struggle.

Many conclude: connecting isn’t really worth the trouble and they retreat into a self-determined emotional cave where they are shielded from the uncontrollable and often chaotic arena of relationships and connections. I think we all do this to one extent or another and to varying depths depending on the nature of the connection we have with the particular person we are with.

So why is it that our connections exist on the continuum between deeply fulfilling and devastatingly painful? Well, it is because of the way we are created. We are all created by God and have a unique capacity to connect with other people. Sadly, many times factors like rejection, trauma, and being shamed have fouled our ability to connect in a positive and enriching way.

In relationships there is also something called resilience. It has to do with how we “bounce back” from painful experiences. Some people have the bounce of “Tigre” the tiger in the Winnie the Pooh cartoon. No matter what happens, they just bounce back and are ready to go again. Others of us have the bounce of a lead balloon, we go down with a thud and can’t seem to rebound at all. Those who are not resilient in their relationships are much more susceptible to experiencing painful, dysfunction in relationships. They tend to pull away, disengage and the relationship is sometimes lost completely forever.

As I have mentioned before, this longing to be connected is part of what it means to be a spiritual being, and for those whose longings are met with disappointment and whose capacity to rebound is limited, life can be a gradual slide into isolation and a deepening sense that for some reason, I am not eligible for love, because it is in these connections of life that love has the potential to exist.

Some have even slid into isolation in relation to God. Disappointed by misguided expectations, people sometimes feel as if a connection with God is too precarious and fraught with let downs to be worth pursuing. We live under many delusions and this is one of the most pernicious for it infects the spirit with a spiritual malaise that can be terminal. It is at this point that faith is necessary. Faith is easy, comfortable and nice when there is little significant disappointment in the connections of our lives.

But faith is absolutely essential in the face of disappointment and despair. Having been there, more deeply than most can image when they meet me, I can testify that it is only the choice to believe that God loves me that accounts for the fact that I am alive today. Connections are not easy, but they are essential and the most essential one is the connection we can have with God for it is in that connection that we find courage to stay engaged with others.