Raising Kids With Character

This past week a hornet’s nest was poked when a local website ran a short story about a brother and sister who took to the streets in Steinbach with poster board signs in hand to protest injustices they have felt from Child and Family Services (CFS). I’m not faulting the brother and sister; I can only imagine the frustration they feel for their family members. I am also not saying we shouldn’t be able to protest, we live in a free country and all peaceful protests should be permitted.

However, while reading the comments that followed on Facebook, I just about lost my lunch. How do people become so blindly enraged that they become inhuman?

People become inhuman when they confuse broken systems with the people within that system; when they fight a person, as opposed to an ideology or policy.

The reality is as soon as CFS is involved with a child something is broken and we are looking for Band-Aid solutions. We would certainly agree that if a child is genuinely in danger, then something in that child’s life, possibly their biological family has broken. But even if there were a false accusation, something is broken in the person making that accusation. And if we don’t have the kinds of policies to protect families going through the investigation that necessarily follows any accusation involving child protection, then the system needs repair work.

But that isn’t to say that the people who are enforcing the law are bad people. In fact, I would argue the precise opposite. Any individual who takes several years of schooling to become a social worker knowing full well that they are entering a profession where they will, by definition, become exposed to the basest human qualities, must be in it for more than just the money. They must see a reason to try and fight for children from hard places, which is exceptionally noble. And to viciously attack them and their motives, is to dehumanize them.

My wife and I have been foster parents for 6 1/2 years. Believe me, we’ve seen a lot in that short time. But regardless of our feelings about the brokenness of the system, or social workers whom occasionally make decisions at odds with our opinion, or the pain of attaching and saying good-bye to children, when we simply look into the eyes of a child that has been placed in our homes, we know that this child is all that matters.

I am fully aware of the woeful inadequacy of some other foster homes; we have had children in our home who came from some of them, but those foster parents don’t represent my heart towards children in need. And I know that despite claims to the contrary, our social workers (and we’ve had a few), do their very best to keep their hearts directed towards the good of the children while keeping their professional heads above water.

We have sat with social workers who wept with us over the impact of broken parents on little children. And we have rejoiced with social workers when reunification with birth families is a workable option. We have seen the pain in their eyes when older children in care become involved in at-risk behavior, or who run away, or get into gangs, or fail at school. We have also seen the pride in their eyes when one of “their kids” graduates from school and goes on to success! We have seen this!

I usually see my job as a foster dad as simply being a dad. I’m busy but I like playing with my kids (all of them!) I build treehouses for them. Take them on family vacations. And tuck them in at night. (Although I usually let my wife take on the homework assignments.) But occasionally, my job as a foster dad goes beyond those precious kiddoes in my home to defend the advocates who are maligned time and time again and who will not break their code of confidentiality to defend their actions. I’ve rarely met individuals who are more disciplined and dedicated to defending privacy than social workers.

So, while I am well-aware of the horror stories when things have gone wrong. And while I am also well-aware that the stakes are staggeringly high because CFS is working with vulnerable children and impacting entire communities by their actions. I believe that the heart of the people in CFS, as a whole, is for the good of children and families.

When tragedy happens, or checks and balances are not done well, or when kids slip through the cracks, my heart breaks, but I know that the vast majority of my foster-parent colleagues and the professionals who we work with at CFS, are working to help, and not hurt, children and families in our communities.

Oh, that we would see each other as human! Surely, where deficiencies exist in the system, we can work together to mend them. There will never, ever be a system invented by human beings that is perfect and doesn’t have issues to address, but I do know this, attacking the people within that system will not have the effect the detractors desire.