Chaplain's Corner

Have you ever wanted to die? I have, many, many times I have prayed, “Lord, today would be a good day as far as I’m concerned.” To date the Lord has not been of one mind with me on that matter. Generally these are difficult days when I am tired of myself and the struggles I have and just want to be free of it all.

Have you ever contemplated suicide? I have, there was about 6 months back in the mid-90’s that I contemplated ending my life every day. I was clinically depressed, seeing a therapist weekly, and despairing every moment of my existence. It was a very dark time and I am positive it is only the Lord that kept me from going through with the obsessive desire I had to end my life.

Having experienced both the wish to die and serious contemplation of suicide I know they are different. The first grew out of weariness, the second out of despair. The first was fleeting the second was obsessive. The first left matters in God’s hands, the second would have happily taken matters into my own hand.

You might ask, “What prevented you from acting on your suicidal obsession?” Three things: The first was my relationship with God. I knew that taking matters into my own hands was an act of rebellion and a statement of distrust. I didn’t want my last conscious act to be one of rebellion and faithlessness.

The second was my family. Suicide has touch both my family, I have worked with many people who contemplated suicide and some of these decided to make that ultimate, desperate choice. I watched firsthand the impact it has on families. I couldn’t do that to my wife and children, no matter how much I wanted my pain to come to an end.

The third was my work. I was a pastor at the time, each Sunday morning I would desperately throw myself on the Lord and ask him to help me make it through the service without breaking down – He did. I guess I had plenty of reason to live, even though in the darkness of my despair I couldn’t see those reasons very clearly.

I haven’t felt that despair for over two decades and I hope I never do again; but the wish to die is one I entertain with some regularity. I take some comfort in this when I read the words of the Apostle Paul who wrote under divine inspiration, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil. 1:21, 23)

It is OK to be tired of this life, for the Christian the only compelling reason to want to be here is to continue to be of service to Christ, to our families, communities and beyond. The weariness of this life is part of the way God prepares us for death and life everlasting. I can remember times when I was younger when I would pray. “Please Lord, don’t call me home until…I married, had children, pursued my career, was a grandfather, etc.” Those prayers are over. Now I pray, “Lord, anytime would be fine with me.”

Maybe you feel that way. That’s OK. But if you are feeling the bottomless pit of despair, if you contemplate taking matters into your own hands, please reach out for help. It took a year before those suicidal thoughts left me altogether, the pathway to hope was long and difficult, and there are no quick fixes. But there is help. If you don’t know where to turn, call our local Crisis Response service at 1-888-617-7715. Take the first step back towards hope – reach out for help.