Edgework

Our conscious minds are only the tip of the iceberg which is above water, the largest part of ourselves is unseen below the water, below the conscious level, and it is not easy to admit this, to admit it and not fear that large part of ourselves over which we have little control.

~ (Madeleine L’Engle in Walking on Water, 1980, p. 128)

It has taken me most of my life to understand how this image of the iceberg relates to who I am. Early in my adult life I saw myself as a straight forward, honest shooter. I was frequently heard saying, “What you see is what you get.” What I meant by that is that I had nothing to hide; what I saw in the mirror was the real me – lock, stock and barrel. And of course I assumed that no one had the right to challenge that assumption. After all, I had committed my life to Christ who had forgiven all my sins and healed all my wounds. Hallelujah!

Living in this state of illusion seemed to work for me for a while, at least from my perspective. And the fact that I was mostly surrounded by people of faith leaning into one form of triumphalism or another confirmed my belief that I had done most of my homework. I was even told never to look back into my past because all that had been buried in the deepest sea. Why dig up stuff best remaining under water? In effect, I was told to believe that the part of an iceberg lying below the water is of little consequence; pay attention to what you can see above the water. I now see that was bad advice for the captain of the Titanic as well as for my spiritual pilgrimage.

It did not take long for some people to shatter my illusion. I was flabbergasted when it was suggested by some well-intentioned people that some of my motives for Christian service were suspect; even that my whole Christian experience was a sham. Of course I defended myself vigorously because as far as I could see – that part of the iceberg lying above water – I had conducted myself with honesty and integrity. And some of my closest friends also came to my defense to help me regain my balance based on that part of me showing above water.

It was Ulysses who stated, “I am a part of all that I have met…” It would be fair to say that I am in the process of getting to meet Jackie Heppner; that is, I am learning to understand how experiences in every stage of my development – both positive and negative – have left an imprint on my life. But much of the evidence now lies below the water line, in my unconscious self. Madeleine L’Engle suggests it is worth checking out because, “If I cannot be 13 and 61 simultaneously part of me has been taken away”(74). It has taken me the better part of half a century to come to terms with a troubled childhood; to acknowledge the presence and impact of so much of my life that mostly lies hidden under water.

L’Engle continues: “The me I can organize and discipline is no more than the me of which I am aware. And it is precisely the equation of my total self with this one small part of it which is the root cause of all sin” (128). Now that ratchets the iceberg image up a notch! In fact, it becomes sin to imagine that my conscious self is all there is to me because I am shutting myself off to the truth of the forces that shaped my unconscious self. And the real damage happens if I am unwilling to admit that there are unseen forces in my life which I cannot control in spite of my best efforts to keep them at bay. That is why beginning to acknowledge what lies below the water and seeking grace and healing for the hidden parts of my life that are broken is so important.

Could it be that is the reason why some of my friends and acquaintances come across as shallow people; they have not yet begun to acknowledge that part of themselves that lies below the water. So there is little to talk about except that which lies above water and is already obvious to the general public. When I think about it now, the people with whom I have had the deepest and warmest connections are those who have begun to embrace the underwater stuff in their lives. That, for example, is what made my relationship with Roy Penner so special for the ten years before his passing in 2012.

And that is what makes my relationship with many of my brothers and sisters at the Seeds Community Church here in Altona so special. It is this community that understands that there is more to me than what you can see in a mirror. I will never forget the first lunch I had with Pastor Ted. It seemed that he could “see below the water” and so I felt safe to unpack some of the trauma of my childhood, filled as it was with the fire and fury of hell-fire and brimstone. And then, after I had vomited up so much pain and found myself in a place I could not control, Ted offered to arrange for the help I needed to embrace and transform that broken past.

But the journey is not over. Sometimes I feel like even though I am 71, life has just begun; that is a life that acknowledges the whole iceberg. Having lived so long above water, I am now gradually becoming more adept at diving under water to explore all those areas of my life that have shaped me and in many cases need healing.

It is great learning to become more fully alive!