Standing on my Soap Box

Fear…today has not been my best day. This stage of my life is TOUGH.

• Last night I drove my dog into the city to her new owner.
• It felt like I had a gazillion mistakes “thrown in my face” at work. However, it wasn’t thrown in my face, and it was not works fault, just yearend stuff. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know.
• Tonight, I was having supper with my one son and we were talking about a few things (travelling, anniversaries that would be coming up), and for some reason the tears started to come.
• I am going to Vital Statistics tomorrow to do the official name change.
• And the list goes on.

And then, I checked out instagram. One of the people I follow there is Kellykkroberts. She runs a blog/website called She Can and She Did. She is quickly becoming my running “idol” She believes that women should be free to run in their jog bras if they so choose. It is all about accepting yourself and your body. Anyways, the instagram story I saw she was talking about fear. She said “don’t call an inability to start lazy. Call it fear… It is easier to sell shame than it is to sell truth… So here’s the truth, getting started is scary. It’s scary to tell people you look up to or care about that you are working towards something you aren’t sure you’re capable of. It’s scary to think that there’s a chance you’ll disappoint them, or even worse, yourself. But chasing goals isn’t about the day you make your dream a reality. It’s about the journey…Looking in the mirror and seeing someone capable of anything instead of a failure. And it only happens when you accept the scary fear of possible failure and start to see that you’re worth it (Italicized by me for emphasis). The only way you fail is if you fail to try.” While this quote from her post is about running, it is applicable to anything in life.

What are you scared of? Scared of making a change because you don’t know what is on the other side? Tell me about it! In my current situation, there are a lot of questions and “what ifs” or “Will I make it alone?” So then you start to blame yourself “what part of my marriage ending is my fault? Maybe I should have __ (fill in the blank).” Was I perfect? – OH HECK NO. Am I to blame for our break up? Kinda, I initiated it, but it’s not completely my fault. I just got tired of allowing things to continue as they were, and I needed to start seeing myself as valuable, and ensuring that my kids had a healthy environment. So even though today has been tough, I did what I had to do.

So then my next scary thing is about running. I have started, however I started with desire to be better. I signed up for a few races; I even got brave and (GASP) I signed up for a full marathon in November. Then I got bold and signed up for a Marathon in May, and the Manitoba Marathon in June. However a week or two ago, “laziness” kicked in (I blamed life). Who do I think I am that I can do 26.2 miles in 6 hours? Never mind 26.2 miles, who do I think I am that I can run for 6 hours straight regardless of the distance – have you looked at me lately? I have over 100+ lbs to lose – what was I thinking???? Then today after my crappy day, I read the above Instagram story. I am not lazy, I am scared. Jeepers I don’t even want my high school friends to see me, due to my shame of my “extra”.

So with those thoughts in mind, I am starting a new running group. Please excuse the name as I did not choose it it is call #BALGSTEINBACH. It is connected with Kelly Roberts, (the above Instagram poster) and it stands for Bad A** (butt) Ladies Gang. I am going to be doing a running group every two weeks starting March 2 at 2pm from A.D. Penner Park. This is going to be a very beginner group, and anyone (any shape or size) is welcome to join. Obviously with 100 plus pounds to lose I am not the fastest around. If you are interested in joining me, please click on the “Email comments” link or email me at sheilarempel2.0@gmail.com.