Chaplain's Corner

I had the opportunity recently to sit with a group of six medical students and talk about spirituality and why doctors need to be sensitive to the spirituality of those they care for. They were a diverse group: two men, four women; some married, others single, one about to have a child, others not even dreaming of parenthood yet. They were in various stages of their training: some early in their training and others within six months of finishing their residencies.

I had never presented to a group of medical students, this was the first opportunity, I had upwards to three hours and wondered, “What does a chaplain have to offer medical students anyway?” Believe it or not, I get anxious when I agree to do this kind of thing. You might think, “Well, you are a preacher, addressing a group of six should be no big deal”. But there is quite a difference between preaching and addressing a group of medical students about the subject of spirituality.

It was a good session, the feedback was positive and affirming and if asked to do something like this again, I will probably say yes. But as I have reflected on the opportunity I got in touch again with my insecurity. I’m guessing I am not the only person who comes to life’s opportunities feeling insecure.

Now why would I feel insecure about talking to these medical students about spirituality? I’m at least twice their age; I am well educated and have 35 years experience in the field of spirituality. This has been the primary focus of my life since I entered college at age 18. So why would I feel insecure?

Insecurity, at least for me, grows out of a very deep suspicion in my own soul that no matter how much I try, I will never match up. I have done significant therapy around this suspicion and have learned in reflection how that suspicion resides in my soul and why it persists. I grew up in a family where I never felt that I ever really fulfilled the expectations. This sense was not communicated to me by my parents, at least not in a way that I can put my finger on. It came primarily from my believing that my older brother was perfect and that I would never be able to match up to him. Now this perception was flawed, he wasn’t and isn’t perfect, but as a youngster I perceived him to be “perfect” because he seemed to fulfill the expectations of my parents without flaw.

Now my brother never “lorded” his “perfection” over me (he wasn’t really perfect). He never put me down, he never asked me, “Why can’t you be more like me?” I con’t remember ever hearing my parents say, “Why isn’t Larry more like his older brother?” Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be easy to blame my folks or my brother from this insecurity that I carry in my soul, but it wouldn’t be fair or accurate or helpful in my understanding myself and the apprehensions I experience as I come at my life.

It is simply my nature to feel insecure, uncertain as to whether or not I am up to the opportunities of life. “Nature” is simply how we are spiritually put together from the start. Theologically I have come to believe certain things about the origins of the various “natures” we come into the world with. I believe that the myriad of different, yet disabling natures people are born with are a result of sins impact on us individually and as a race. Although our natures are all unique in many ways, the Bible teaches with clarity that the entrance of sin has spoiled God’s perfect creative design and we can all expect, without exception, that as we move through life we will discover deep and troubling traits in our nature that can only be explained by “This is just the way I am.”

Now, don’t feel bad you are not alone, I am not alone, every last human being (excepting Jesus) comes into the world with deficiencies, corruptions, flaws in our nature that make life hard: for some the flaw is over-confidence, for others it is insecurity; for some it a sense that they have to win at everything, no matter what; and for others it is a sense that they are such losers that they might as well not even try. Others struggle with being too forward while some are so shy they can barely speak. Others are so self-absorbed that they rarely consider anyone else while others are so self-deprecating that the feel unworthy of being considered at all. The examples of these flaws could fill pages. But I think you understand what I am saying and you may even by this stage in this article be quite aware of the flaws that you struggle with that are simply a part of who you are and you have been that way from the very start.

Now, in all honesty, the way we are raised and the other “flawed” souls that we grow up with impact us, many times in negative ways. But it is generally less that useful to blame others for our problems and much more helpful simply to become aware of and recognize how their flawed souls impact our own flawed soul in ways that are hurtful, then take responsibility for our own struggles, receive God’s mercy and grace for our struggles and to extend mercy and grace to our fellow strugglers.

Now back to my insecurities. I rarely believe that I have anything to offer people – even though I am often affirmed by others for the contributions I have made to their lives. So there is this disconnect between my inner world and the outer reality. This is why I have chosen just to keep on accepting opportunities, even when my initial reaction to them is often “I could never do that”. As a Christian, I believe that God, through the redemptive work of Jesus, has come to live within me and one of the things God wants to do in me is to give me the insight and strength to move against my nature. Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I buckle under this nature of mine and respond to it by believing that I can’t handle things so I back away. But I want to learn to choose to trust God in this way so that I am not controlled by my inner sense of insecurity, but controlled by trust in God’s presence within me and his promise to give me the capacity to do those things he calls me to do.

Now, your nature, no doubt is different than mine, but the question we need to ask if we want to move more and more towards spiritual health is: “Am I willing to trust God to give me the strength to move into the opportunities He provides, even though I naturally might shrink from the opportunities and retreat into a place where I give into my nature instead of trusting God.” That’s the challenge. Every one of us faces it every day. We may not have a relationship with God that gives us the confidence to look to him for strength and help. There are even many who do have a relationship with God who seem to forget that one of the wonderful benefits of that relationship is that He has given us not only a new nature, but the presence and grace we need to resist the drift of the nature we were born with.

If you need an aspiration for the New Year, why not aspire with me to live each day with an awareness of our nature and its pull to withdraw from the opportunities and challenges God gives us to bless others and commit to trusting, as the Apostle Paul put it so well, that “I can do all things through him (Jesus) who gives me strength”.