Chaplain's Corner

So now what? I’ve had a stroke, lost some of my capacities and even after a few months on Rehab I know I will never be the same again.

So now what? I was just diagnosed with cancer, they are talking surgery, chemo and radiation. I’ll be off work for some time, maybe I’ll die.

So now what? I had a car accident, I was fortunate to live but my legs were crushed. It looks like I’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.

So now what? I was playing hockey with my friends and I hit the ice hard with my head, no I wasn’t wearing my helmet. They say I have a serious brain injury.

Our entire lives can turn on a dime, we can start the day as carefree as can be then something tragic happens and everything is different and we have no idea how we are going to move forward. We don’t know how we are going to handle all the changes. We are left with issues to grapple with but no experience to know how to deal with them. Everybody keeps telling us, “Oh don’t worry, you’ll adjust, this isn’t the end of the world.”

“Yea, not the end of their world, but it sure is the end of ours. Why do people say such dumb things anyway? Why is everyone trying to convince me that this is no big deal? It is a big deal and it makes us angry that everyone who hasn’t experienced anything like it is trying so hard to convince us that it’s no big deal. What would they know anyway?

Which part in this exchange are you? Have you been the person who’s had your whole life upended in a moment? Or are you the spouse or friend who is trying to be helpful but everything you say seems to do more harm than good?

We don’t do well with the anger generated by these tragic events that change our lives or the lives of people we care about forever. Generally we don’t do well with anger at all. Some of us were taught “Don’t be angry.” This is an absurd expectation, I would even suggest that it is an unholy expectation. To deny our anger is to lie. It is impossible not to experience the feelings of anger. Others of us just explode all over the place, if we are angry, everyone knows it and if they don’t you are more than happy to let them know just how ticked off you are. And the rest of us live somewhere between these two extremes.

So what do we do when life creates realties that stir up our anger? What do we do with the anger of someone we care for when they are facing circumstances that upend their lives? Well, maybe it is best to suggest what we shouldn’t do. Don’t pretend that the horrible thing that happened isn’t so bad. It is bad, it stinks, it wasn’t in the plan and there’s no denying it. Don’t deny how you feel about it. Our feelings are an essential part of who we are, when we turn our backs on them, we have to pretend, we have to become a phony and there is no value in that. It lacks integrity and it is impossible to move forward under these conditions.

As well, we shouldn’t tell somewhat what they should feel or how they should view what has happened. Sermons and criticisms are not at all helpful. So what should we do? We feel our emotions fully, express them authentically find someone who can sit in your emotions with you without taking it personally, without becoming defensive and without judgement. So now what? Nobody knows, but nobody wants to venture forward alone – just be there for each other.